A post only Boiler fans could appreciate...

One of my favorite spoofs from BoilerBrian... maybe I should use this as my first podcast trial???

I bring you...

THE CARDINAL

Once upon a Midnight Madness, while I pondered William Gladness,
Lumbering through a quaint and curious half court drill of yore—
By now the crowd was nodding stiffly, hoping for some dog with frisbee,
To lift their drowsy tepid spirits off the cream and crimson floor
"Damn spectators!" I muttered, "Crowding up my practice floor--
Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember! It would be a bleak December,
Crushing every dying ember of hopes upon on the hardwood floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; -- vainly I had sought to borrow
From new recruits surcease of sorrow-- sorrow for the lost Bannore--
For the rare and radiant fabric that the angels name Bannore--
Nameless here for evermore.

Later in my office pouting, after endless hours of shouting
Suddenly there came a tapping – tapping on my office door;
"Who could that be?" I stood repeating:
"Perhaps some cheerleader entreating entrance at my office door--
Some players’ girlfriend entreating entrance at my office door;
This it is and nothing more."

Presently my lust grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Babe," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was moping, and was in no mood for groping,
When so gently you came rapping, rapping on my office door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you"--here I opened wide the door;--
Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness leering, and before long I was fearing,
The form of Connie Chung appearing with reporter friends galore;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Boilore!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Boilore!"--
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into my office turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Perhaps," said I with great perdition, "A messenger bearing extradition
Papers which will compel me to that distant Puerto Rican shore--
Let my heart be still a moment. Call my lawyer and implore,
Clemency - forevermore."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with a great flit and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Cardinal with knee pads and bandages galore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he,
But dove with fierce unbridled passion at the ball upon my floor --
At the leather basketball that sat beside my office door--
"Mine," he said, and nothing more.

Then this redbird stood beguiling my sad countenance into smiling,
Reminding me of hustle and passion that my teams had shown of yore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
But ghastly, grim - a bunch of losers -
is my current squad of Hooisers that I must put upon the floor
I must get these stiffs to dive upon the court once more!"
Quoth the Cardinal, "Nevermore."

Much I marveled that this gawky - bird would be so very squawky.
Suddenly, my temper flared as my sorry quintet I deplored.
"Get thee gone or I will smite thee. Like Neil Reed, I’ll kick and bite thee
Like some other Bird that I chased from Bloomington before
Like every new IU recruit, I’ll crush your spirit forevermore."
Quoth the Cardinal: "Nevermore."

"So you dare such great pretense, ye? With man-to-man I will defense thee!"
But the Cardinal stood undaunted as he scorn he did outpour.
Many expletives I muttered, ones that make good mothers shudder
"Every worn out play from decades past, I’ll try them all once more
I’ll even try the motion offense - Who knows? It’s worked before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Then as I looked on in horror, at this cheerful happy Boiler
"Is that," said I, "Your message. That you’ll sweep my team once more?"
My clothing, now was I rending. "Is this sweeping never ending?
I shall practice them at three a.m., until their tongues drag on the floor
Perhaps we’ll have a better chance if my team is tired and sore!"
Smiled the Cardinal "Nevermore'"

"New recruits!" I cried, half-drooling. "Send the old ones off prep-schooling!
Better yet, let’s call them football players, so scholarships we’ll store."
But tune that Fife was playing, was a dirge that just kept saying:
"When we crush their spirits too, we’ll go and get some more.
When we crush their spirits too, we’ll go and get some more"
Croaked the Cardinal "Nevermore."

So I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
As my sorry Hooiser fivesome was blown right off the floor;
The rout was just appalling, but no timeout was I calling
They will learn their lessons so much better if they lose by fifteen more!
Instead I watched my red wool belly as my belt it drooped down o'er
I shall see my waistline, nevermore!

But neither cussing nor my rending, could stop the sweep that lay pending
And my nightmare vision of Austin’s shot dropping as time expired once more.
Then I heard the Cardinal’s laughter, that shook my Hall up to its rafters
"Respite--respite and nepenthe from threepeats by Boilors!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget these foul Boilors!"
Quoth the Cardinal, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "Season spoiler!--prophet still, if bird or Boiler!--
But if only at Assembly Hall, I could raise a banner once more,
Then," I said meekly entreating, "I would gladly grant threepeating."
With tear-filled eyes I asked, "Tell me truly, I implore--
Won’t I ever lift a banner? Just one? Just one more!"
Quoth the Cardinal, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "Season spoiler!--prophet still, if bird or Boiler!
I know all there is to know about the game we both adore--
Get thee back to Mackey - I will fill my squad with lackeys
Once again I will clasp the trophy that the angels name Bannore--
Clasp the rare and radiant fabric that the angels name Bannore."
Quoth the Cardinal, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--
"Get thee back to Lafayette - To Mackey’s golden floor!"
Then with wooden chair uplifted, all my weight I forward shifted,
Hurling with great force and vigor, a chair that splintered hard against the door!
"Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy ball out from my door!"
Quoth the Cardinal, "Nevermore."

And the Cardinal, always leaping, still is sweeping, still is sweeping
Guarding the leather ball that sits beside my office door;
And his eyes have all the baiting of a champion that is waiting,
Of the triumphs that await his teammates upon the hardwood floor.
And the banners to the rafters from my Stygian cream and crimson floor
Shall be lifted--nevermore!